Home again home again jiggidy jig.

So Thaniel has finally hit the terrible two’s.  I was soooo smug when he sailed through his 2’s and even 3’s (he was never a threenager) with his silly sweet self intact, no huge tantrums no need for parenting book tactics.  Perfectly adorable Thane stayed his perfectly adorable self..  Until Junish of this year.

It’s now October , and somedays I am ready to pull every last one of my hairs out… All of them, even the ones on my arms, eyelashes, brows.. and that weird spot above my lip… Like ALL.

We moved last year, in August, into a beautiful little home the Lord had kept just for us. Behind a school, so the walk for the kids was a joke, and it was bliss.. For a while.  😜  But then, as Thaniel entered this marvel comic villain stage.. He became DESTRUCTO-BOY!  Able to tear apart a room in moments, faster at ripping something up than a paper shredder.. Look at that jam on the couch! .. It’s a bird! it’s a plane! It’s DESTRUCTO-BOY! !

All joking aside, there have been times over the last year, when I’ve sat down and cried, when I survey the work in front of me and the seemingly endless road of more ahead. It’s only the memory of another mama of a little one with Down Syndrome telling me much the same story, that keeps my head above water. She did it.. She made it through and so will I.

But home is supposed to be a shelter. A haven. A cozy nook where you curl up and relax in.. Not a toothpaste smeared, ketchup on the drapes, someone TP’D the bathroom frat house disaster.  There was little peace at home.  I’m still playing catch up.

Then today, a beautiful text came through that mentioned home, and it reminded me of the thoughts I had on the idea of home over a year ago… And now here I am, writing again as the hunger for home floods my heart and the hope for home floats through my spirit.

 “Through wisdom a house is built” …

How much wisdom is used when we build our homes?  I’m not talking about the physical building you sleep in, I mean the home we create for ourselves.  How much wisdom do we employ? Did you make your house with the bricks and mortar of good friends, deep love and strong conviction?  Have you built a home on flimsy emotion, fleeting feelings, hollow promises?  Did you seek out a partner as if the very foundation of your life depended on finding just the right builder to help you? Or did chance and circumstance drop a flashy contractor on your lap and you ” just went with it”

I have been so guilty of flashy, flimsy, and seat of my pants.  I have been emotional and filled with romantic notion and at times stubbornly naive.  A few heart breaks later, I became stodgy with emotion, miserly with faith, cutting corners on romance and stubbornly ignorant of trust.

Neither approach involves wisdom (which is the proper application of knowledge) sigh.  Can you build anything worthwhile on emotion or reaction?

Speaking of emotion and reaction.. That lump on my son’s neck? It turned out to be cancer.  An extremely rare form of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, that had me emoting and reacting all to bits.  Doctors had a difficult time pin pointing what type of cancer it was and so the saga was long and drawn out, and if not for the care and support of the people I love I may have done more than hide away from it all, I may have crumbled under the weight of waiting.

{ We are dealing with all that comes with his diagnosis now.}

Thaniel had surgery and we were sent home to ” wait & see”.  In other words, no one was entirely sure the surgery had worked.  Waiting is now top 3 on my most disliked list. (1&2 are patience and hanging on)

My ” house” has been on tornado watch for several months, with the impending storm just on the horizon, staring us down, one breeze away from destruction.

And yet.. According to doctors my son’s cancer has excellent outcomes, Thaniels surgery DID work and we have been held in very safe hands.  Why does that always surprise me?

“… by understanding it is established…”

A house is built on wisdom and understanding. That’s powerful stuff.  My lack of wisdom and understanding nearly blows this house in every time the wolf knocks.  I need a new view.

I want to build my house, my spiritual house, my physical house, my family house with wisdom and understanding.  I know, for example, that God has never failed me. It would be wise to trust that. I know that when in the flood or fire, God is with us. It would be good if I really understood that.  If I’m not careful I will be my own “destructo boy” tearing down what has been carefully built, ripping apart what has been lovingly knit and scribbling over truth with my own fear and doubt, missing out on some really wonderful gifts right in front of me. One tiny hurricane to a house is enough I think.

Through wisdom a house is built,
And by understanding it is established;
 By knowledge the rooms are filled
With all precious and pleasant riches” (Prov 24:3-6)

Dear God,

Wow what a summer huh? All the yuk stuff just thrown right at us all at once.  That would be huge, if I didn’t know who you really are.  Faithful and true. Just. Abounding in love. Steadfast. Miracle worker.  I could write for  thousand years and never finish writing all of your attributes.  First, I want to say thank you for walking with us, and for the faith you’ve placed in Judahs heart, help me to grow up like him. Thank you for the people in my life who just care. Tangibly, wonderfully, fully. I’m grateful. Thank you for knowing the end from the beginning  and I don’t. Please remind me of that and to relax and let you handle things always.  Jesus I love you. I love you so much. I trust you, help my unbelief please.

 

Ps. Father please be with those children and their families in the Sears Cancer Center, please guide their doctors and bless their doctors for their diligence and compassion.  I ask that you stay close to the ones who are waiting, in torn apart homes with ripped apart lives, because you turn ashes into beauty God.. You are a master artist. If they can’t trust, if they don’t know YOU, I humbly ask that you stay close to them any way.  Thank you for near misses and healing and peace in the mess.  Build us by your grace Jesus, amen.

 

 

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