H. E. Double hockey sticks.

Almost a year. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve had any desire to write.

That’s not true. I’ve had a desire, but what I wanted to write was foul. Broken. Angry. Empty.

I’m grateful for Thaniel and the way he makes my life colourful and fun. I’m grateful for the health care that we have in this country. Grateful for the support and love my real friends have for me.

All that gratitude and I’m still so mad inside I could combust. Just explode from the anger and guilt and frustration I feel.

A lot of that anger is directed toward the people in charge. I mean com’on!!! I am sick and tired of trying to convince the powers that be to move! To act! To help ! Use those years of experience and knowledge and do something!!! I run around and I make the calls and I get the scans done and I get those blood tests done.. and then I get the run around, the put off.. an appointment a couple of months from now and no action jackson!

I’m tired of feeling like I’m overreacting when I feel in my gut I’m not. Frustrated that I’m told to follow my heart and meet a wall when I do. Com’on!!!!

My fifth son has a lump on his neck. A. BIG .LUMP.

All the parents, give that a moment to sink in.

After a month of it being there I made an appointment. His doc was concerned but ordered some tests and we waited. The 1st radiologist said get it biopsied asap, the 2nd radiologist said they were backed up and they would redo the test in 2 months, my son’s doc suggested measuring it every 2 weeks and keeping an eye out, he told me it was ok to wait because lymphoma isn’t like lung cancer.. it isn’t important to catch it quickly. I said ” so I shouldn’t worry?” And he said ” I didn’t say that”… and then my own oncologist said ” um.. unless it infiltrates an organ or the bones… You really should catch all cancer quickly…” and I was slowly loosing my stuffing. I mean com’on!

It’s been nearly 3 months for the crazy lump now, it has grown and not diminished, has become bumpy and irregular, and he has surgery to remove and test it tomorrow.

Meanwhile Thaniel is about to go in for his own surgery. A long drawn out do, while they figure out what causes him to aspirate liquids and see if it can be helped. It’s been three years since they discovered that anything thinner than puree or thick honey slips down into his lungs, and essentially he was drowning for two years. Everyone was hoping he would grow out of it, but he hasn’t.. so into surgery we go. Com’on!!

There is thryoid nonsense, and for a few days ,terror that Thaniels actual factual father would show up on the scene and threaten our quiet safe life. Like one of those 80’s talk shows.

I know my son’s are covered in prayer. I know that God is watching over them.. which is good because God and I are not on speaking terms. Ok ok.. I mean.. I’m sure He is still speaking to me.. probably telling me that I should grow up and trust Him and maybe even calling me a dumb head. And I still pray, I keep God updated on my minute to minute and tell Him I love Him. BUT I’m mad. I’m so fed up with it all. Is it me? Is it just that I can’t cope with it all? Is it something I’ve done? Not done? Is my faith not strong enough? Am I strong enough?

Cuz I’ll tell you, I have lost control. I’ve stopped even trying. I walk like a person sleep walking from one day to the other. If it’s not my own health it’s the kids, or bills, or repairs, or the constant nonsense with the van, or work, or the kids school stuff, or the people that depend on me, not being able to depend on me. It’s an avalanche of stronger person proportions and I can’t even with it.

So I’ve been cheating. Acting awake and aware when I’m really not..listening but not hearing, showing up but completely checked out. If you were to try and sum me up in a word picture, I’m surfing, but my board is upsidedown and I’m smiling under the waves.

So I’ve been keeping that bit from God. I’ve been hiding it. Fairly well I think. About as well as King David.

Psalm 139.

You have looked deep

into my heart, LORD,

and you know all about me.

You know when I am resting

or when I am working,

and from heaven

you discover my thoughts.

You notice everything I do

and everywhere I go.

Before I even speak a word,

you know what I will say,..

Where could I go to escape

from your Spirit

or from your sight?

If I were to climb up

to the highest heavens,

you would be there.

If I were to dig down

to the world of the dead

you would also be there.

Suppose I had wings

like the dawning day

and flew across the ocean

Or suppose I said, “I’ll hide

in the dark until night comes

to cover me over.”

But you see in the dark

because daylight and dark

are all the same to you.

You are the one

who put me together

inside my mother’s body,

and I praise you because of

the wonderful way

you created me...

Nothing about me

is hidden from you!

I was secretly woven together

out of human sight,

but with your own eyes you saw

my body being formed.

Even before I was born,

you had written in your book

everything about me.

Your thoughts are far beyond

my understanding,

much more than I

could ever imagine.

I try to count your thoughts,

but they outnumber the grains

of sand on the beach.

AND WHEN I AWAKE I WILL

FIND YOU NEARBY.

That last bit is the part that means the most to me. Me sleep walking thru all of this. The last few months have been a blur of fear and guilt and more fear and hidden tears and doubt. Leaning on the ones I love..( if you call sleeping on their shoulders leaning) and generally just existing. Asleep. ( Quite literally sometimes )

But David doesn’t say that because God is everywhere the two of them are bossom buddies, He says when he wakes up he knows that God will be there. Maybe David felt like he was a walking talking dead person too , maybe David felt like I do, that dispite the fact that God knows it all, See’s it all, and has a wonderful plan… For the moment they weren’t even on speaking terms. David talks about TRYING to hide.. at one point in this verse he wants to kill his enemy’s! Not very man-after-God’s-own-heart there Davey.

But me too David! Me too! Man how I wish I could kill cancer, just kick it’s teeth in and stomp on it’s neck until it’s cold and blue. I wish I could destroy my own fear and desire to run away and avoid it all. (If one more person tells me how strong I am I’m gunna let them see the real deal! 😋 ) I wish I could hide. Wish there was a rock I could crawl under. You don’t even know.

But when I wake up.

God,

I know you see it all. You are here in the middle even when I am trying to push you away. I know you’re forgiving me even as I fall down over and over. I know you are holding Jude and Thaniel in your perfectly strong hands. I know nothing wins but you. The end is always you. So we are ok all the time. I know. Thank you for that. I also know you know I’m not ready to come out and face this. I’m sleep walking through my life right now and I have no desire to open my peepers. I know it’s costing me. It’s likely paining you too. But more than anything I know that when I wake up, when I rise.. I will find you nearby. Watching over me, waiting for me, loving me. I can’t thank you enough for that. Thank you for new beginnings and for opportunities showing up before I knew I’d need them and for walking with us through all this fire. I love you.

Ps. God, if you could stay beside the others that are also struggling to stay awake, that are so tired of fighting, they are ready to give up. The ones who maybe don’t know you are as near as you are.. stay close Lord please, and help them to see you even in the middle of their hell.

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