Nope nopity nope nope

Have you ever?  I mean, you can’t even? not one more step, not one more bite, not one more weight, tragedy, conflict, or next thing?

I will tell you honestly, that’s where I am.  Picture me on the very edge of the teeter totter and one more heavy thing on the other side is going to send me flying thru the air.  I am one step from the edge and they’re playing polka music.

This past ‘season’ I’ll call it ( sounds so christianeese) has been like watching one of those juggling buskers who stack the rolly things and platforms under them and then grab all the balls and hoops their hands can hold and then lights them all on fire … I’m looking on saying , nope nope nope! Just waiting for the whole thing to come tumbling down.

I am weighed down.

Fighting for joy and searching up hope and clinging to the things I know beyond a shadow are true, but nevertheless… heavy. And asking God to make it make sense or give a time line on a lightening.

And I’ve been so focused on all of the fire balls in the air I’m sure I’ve been missing the little graces that surround me. But I didn’t miss them last night

I mean I nearly did, because I need sleep like air these days and every minute that tics past bedtime kinds freaks me out in a ” if I fell asleep right now I’ll get 6 hours…now 5 1/2 … ” kind of way.  But right in the middle of the freaking; Thaniel stopped my desperate juggling and held me in the air suspended on pure love. Too Poetic?  Here’s how ( and then tell me if I’m right)

He can climb out of his crib. Masterfully. {And before the sanctomommies write in to give their two cents, his new extended length special strength crib is in its box in the hallway and if I can just hold one more fire ball I’ll get around to putting the thing together.}  Last night ‘Round about 11pm (many hours past his bedtime and mine) Thaniel happily knocked on my bedroom door, and I opened it confused to see this sleeper clad monkey standing there. We did a dance for the next hour of my putting him back to bed and he waiting long enough to lull me into a false sense of security, and then he’d be back at my door, smiling up at me and saying his signature sing song “HI!”

I made a bed on the floor ( my own bed is tall, I’d worry all night he’d fall out) and I lay down beside him and wrapped my arm around him. Whispered “go seepies now” and traced little circles on his back.  He did not go seepies.  He also flung his arm around me and attempted to make circles.  I was firm with him “It’s seepies time!” He thought that was hilarious and put his forehead against mine and licked my nose. I was sooooo tempted to be angry, to get riled up and let the worry of all the things I wouldn’t get done tomorrow because of this lack of sleep tonight; rule my emotions, except for this one thought.

This was my  only job right now. Being loved by this little gift.

He gave me copious kisses.  Played with my hair and sat on me.  He put his little hand on my cheek and said my name over and over while I tried not to laugh and pretended to be asleep. Eventually his hand slipped to his side and my gorgeous baby boy fell asleep. And I stayed right there. On the floor beside him. Drawing little circles on his back and singing to him softly. And thanking God for a suspension. For the moment I’d been asking for.  A lightening.

I almost missed it. I almost shoved it under the rug of all the things that go wrong on my way to  ‘perfection’.  If Thaniel wasn’t the treasure of love that he is I might have.

Dear God,  not for the first or last time I’m thanking you for ignoring my idiocy and my ideas of  ‘right and good for me’ and giving me instead , YOUR BEST.  Thank you for Thaniel. 

Thank you also for Jen who never fails to be ready to pray and encourage, that’s awesome sauce too.

Please friend today , if you are juggling, if you are teetering… try if you can to notice the little graces meant to hold us up for a moment.  And fill your heart up on them for the journey ahead.


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