Wake me up when December ends.

20170104_162116I for one am sooooo glad to see 2016 go. And not for the reasons most people are.  I wasn’t particularly bothered by the results of the American Elections, I didn’t know Prince or Leonard Cohen personally. Sure cancer kinda kicked my butt in 2016 but I feel like I pushed back a fair bit and we have enjoyed peace and real joy for the most part. Maybe it’s not so much the year as that last stupid month. It drove over me like a big wheel at one of those monster truck thingys guys get so excited about.

To begin.

I took the epically bad advice of beautifully well meaning friends and decided to “get out there” and attempt to have a life. And so I ventured. And for a very short time it appeared as if I could have what everyone was talking about. A relationship built on friendship and trust and mutual… wait, this is Me!   I’m neurotic and emotional and I over think and undervalue and I just don’t get it. I can’t go gentle into that good night, I don’t know how to play the game… I suck! Lol.  I don’t know how to trust, and I’m still fairly sure that while I may appear to be easy to love, I’m even easier to leave and that men in reality only pause in my life to tear it apart and leave me to pick up the pieces.

And while I was fretting and over thinking and trying not to let my insecurities swallow me whole, the world around me was rocking. One of my son’s put me thru my paces by testing the bounds of my motherly love for him. Just stupid behavior and he knew better,  But I began to worry that my divided mind was somehow contributing. Was I not paying enough attention? Was I daydreaming when I should have been engaging?  And then Thaniel and Gabe both got sick and the nights became sleepless for us for about a week.. was my work suffering? Was I dropping the ball there?   I had a very grumpy oncologist tell me he disagreed firmly with my choice to pursue naturopathic help this year.. I hate letting authority figures down… was I making the wrong choices? Was I missing the bigger picture? And in the midst of all of this I began to feel as if every turn,every direction was a dead end of failure. I was bound to miss the mark. Somewhere, somehow, someway I was going to lose.

And I did. I lost it. New years eve after a wretched day of organizing schedules for the new year, driving in the ice and snow to get kids where they needed to be, a very near miss on those roads and the internal fear that I wasnt cutting it any where, the storm in my brain built to a fevered pitch and I had one of those ‘put me in a padded room’ type melt downs.

Good riddance 2016.

Clarity is a much underrated and under appreciated thing.  Perspective. The opportunity to stand back. Take stock and adjust course. I needed to do that and I didn’t.  I went headlong into chaos while screaming order order order!

Only God moves on the face of chaos and calls it into being. He knits universes together, cells into people, brokenness into beauty. That’s not my job.

And I waited too long to ask Him to step in and take control.

I’ve watched Thaniel try and try and try to do a thing. He’s so stubborn. Headstrong. He’ll fight and fight and cry and scream and fight some more. It’s worse if I step in and try to do something for him. I’ve learned to wait. Quietly, patiently until he has exhausted his own attempts; and then this brilliant little boy will turn to me, make the sign for “help” and say in his adorable little voice “Hep mama?” “Hep Pease ”

How beautiful is that? What relief and comfort for us both in those words.

Help please.

And I’m so so happy to give it and to watch his little face break into a grin when he senses his want or need is going to be met.  Reminds me of the hymn ” oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we did not carry, everything to God in prayer”

2016 is gone. I won’t miss it. Hopefully I don’t miss this simple lesson again ( for a long time)

Last year’s devotional and exploration for me was JOY and I loved getting acquainted with the word and what it means.

2017 belongs to HOPE. This year I will be stepping out and learning what it means to bury the past in the past, leave shame and doubt behind and leap into HOPE.

Come with me. It’s bound to be the coolest of beans !

Rambling on New Year’s Eve.

It’s as if the chill outside slipped under my shirt. My skin. My heart. Frangible me, delicate see? You’re looking at the wrong picture tonight. Rag doll, ethereal.  Born to obey but not  feel. My skin. My heart. Vulnerable ears, intangible fears. Create whatever you want it’s alright.

I need you to forget me.

Like a dog in the car on a hot summer day.

So fragile tonight, so very cold. My skin. My heart. Tenuous grip, stiff upper lip. This is an alone that fills the cracks. Of my skin. Of my heart. A thousand came before me, a thousand stand in line . Insignificant and mute. It’s only a matter of time before my skin and my heart. Break.

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