a little to the left and up a bit.

So caring for Thaniel I have learned is so so much like a tightrope walker, leaning into the wind and bending knees just a little and feeling the rope in-between my toes and NEVER looking down.  He gags on super, I watch for fever. He chokes on a drink, I listen for wheezing, He doesn’t poop, I adjust his meals… I balance and calculate and survey for results.  He has had an off again on again summer. And I hate to say it… but I’m hoping for trouble to happen in my “down time”  IF it’s going to happen..please Lord let it be while I am supposed to be on a beach somewhere suntanning.(Good Lord knows I am just cleaning out closets and preparing for next year.. no beach involved)  So far I have dodged and avoided every crisis. Perhaps its time and experience, perhaps it’s prayer covering… but so far we have leveled out like that bubble tool the contractors used to do our kitchen floor. (someone please remind me that remodels NEVER take the “week”  you expected and that living without a kitchen IS a major upheaval no matter what time of year!!)

Meanwhile Thaniels mommy has learned what it is to pray without ceasing.  Here it all is, in a nutshell, for you.. my complete stranger reader .  My mother has been in pain for eight months. Not fleeting moments of aggravation…eight months of chronic pain. Doctors and therapists and drugs have not helped and after every test they can think of the pain remains and her weight slips down daily… 30lbs and counting. she is under 100 lbs now and wasting away as we watch helpless. Thats HARD to deal with let me tell you. Meanwhile my daddy grapples with a cancer diagnosis and the surgery and treatment that entails. He spends all of his time researching cures and helps for mom so that his own treatment seems far off and future… but he is living with cancer inside him and it shows in the set of his shoulders. And then there is me, who has been blessed through the kindness of our friend Karen, to have been granted a team of experts who are working together toward a cure to the constant health struggle I have faced for the last 15 years.

Enter Dr.X.  I’m not going to name him, because he is so awesome you will all try to get him to be your doctor. But this is a conversation I had with him

DR.X- Your husband left after the baby? did that devastate you?

ME- no, I knew he had to go long before he left.

DR.X- But are you ok? I mean aren’t you bitter? angry?

ME- no, are you?

DR.X-  um.., concerning your results we may have to redo the bone marrow biopsy.

ME- no. absolutely no, really?

DR.X- why? was it really THAT bad?

ME- you’ve never had one?

DR.X- no, I’ve preformed lots though.

ME- sign up for one and I’ll agree.

DR.X- walk me through it and I will.


DR.X- I think I could…yes.


And then we started a conversation, a real one. About how I could smile through my husband leaving and the loss of the life I thought I’d have, how my special needs child didn’t make me feel burdened but made me feel “granted”. How I no longer looked to others to satisfy the needs of my heart but looked instead to the creator of my heart to fill my needs. And then we touched on his needs… so briefly it was like the brush of a butterfly wing, but I knew he was calling out for something. And so I said what laid on my heart.

You are looking for the quantifiable. The measurable. The sure.

But God’s love, His plan, The whole point.Is just a little to the left and up a bit, your tests would miss it. we are put here to place our hands on one another, to learn, to love, to loose, to see the vastness and amazingness of it all…

And then we see the depth of our emptiness and we call out for the author and finisher, and HE fills us.  See?

There was some quiet.

There was a throat clearing.

And then there was a smile.


We took my blood,we talked about drugs , we even planned the next visit. When I left he took my hand and said these words.

This is going to mean healing… for at least one of us.

That is really ok with me.

Have you met the Author of your story? Do you know the plans He has for you? They are for your good..To give you a future with hope.  All you have to do is ask. DSCF4857

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